Introducing Role Play Into Your Sex Life

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Shiver With Antici...pation
It’s all about the buildup. Talk with your partner about what each of you desires, expects, and what boundaries need to be in place. This stage of planning can be hot all by itself, especially if you and your love haven’t spent much time detailing your fantasies in the past. If ​sex toys​ are a part of your scene (and why wouldn’t they be?) this would be a great time to create excitement by investing in a new toy together. Even better, buy your lover a ​gift card​ and let her pick out a surprise. The scene starts when the anticipated package arrives in the mail!

Erotic fantasy conversations are vulnerable for everyone involved. It's important to engage without judgment and with an open mind. Coined by Dan Savage, the term “GGG” stands for "good, giving, and game". It means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything – within reason". That said, “within reason” is different for everyone. It is important that both you and your partner feel comfortable drawing boundaries where it feels right. It’s okay to say no to a scene you don’t want to act out while also holding space for your partner to share. The sentiment “your kink is not my kink” (YKINMK) expresses a nonjudgmental yet firm boundary around certain activities. Focus on the shared fantasies and interests rather than incompatibilities.

Keep It Simple
If you’re new to role play, or it’s a new dynamic with a current partner, keep it simple in the beginning. Honestly, keep it simple most of the time; a loose plotline gives a lot more freedom to adlib and explore. Backstory is cool, but being present in the moment while fucking is better. Too much plot or excess details can leave folks feeling silly. Figure out what turns you on the most about the scenario you are playing with and base the scene around those details. That said if you struggle with knowing what to say in the moment, giving yourself some plot scaffolding is a great roadmap to lead the way. ​Choice paralysis​ is what happens when you have so many options your brain freezes and fails to pick anything. This can manifest as sexual stage fright and make the idea of roleplay daunting. Choice paralysis can also lead to decision fatigue, also known as “​Top Drop​” in the BDSM community. Top Drop refers to the mental and emotional exhaustion sometimes experienced by dominant players post-scene.

Scenes To Get Started
We’re not here to tell you what your fantasies should be. Chances are if you’re reading this, you already have an inkling of what turns you on. That said, if you’re not ready to dive straight into your wilder fantasies, here are a few common plotlines to get started. You’ll put your own personal kinky spin on them in the moment. The only limit is your imagination!

Get To Know A New You:​
Strangers meeting at a bar, park, or whatever public space gives you shivers of excitement coupled with anonymity. You can decide on characters beforehand, or you can opt to surprise each other. This is particularly appealing for long-term couples looking to engage one another with the fresh eyes of a first date. Shaking the cobwebs out of ingrained relationship patterns is healthy for any long term dynamic.

Power Play:​
The most common fantasies involve a skewed power dynamic. This can be almost anything, but pairings like Teacher/Student, Boss/Employee, or Doctor/Patient are common. Think about what pairing appeals to you and why. Generally, these fantasies differ from the roles people inhabit in their everyday lives. If you fulfill a dominant role in your career, for instance, you may find it incredible hot to cede control and explore submission during sex.

Role Reversal:​
Consider your typical sexual dynamic with your partner. Does one of you take control? Pick the sex position? Wear the ​strap​? Switch it up! Mess around playfully with power exchange, gender roles, and relationship expectations. Perhaps that means empowering your inner high-femme with a ​lingerie-style harness​. If you want to lean into the masculine side of things, try the ​binders​ or ​pack-and-play dildos​ from our line of ​FTM-friendly products​. Whatever your “normal” is, step away for a session. You might be surprised what you enjoy when you explore the unknown. Whatever roles you choose – pick a safeword, commit to your character, and have fun!